Wednesday, April 4, 2012

WTF Wednesday - Mango Extract



Me: Momma, I saw something called "Mango Extract" on the internets. Can you explain that?



Evil Witch: Well, Mango, I think it is from Mango fruit that grows on Mango trees.

Me: There is on such thing.

Evil Witch: Besides, it says on the bottle it is from Africa and you don't live in Africa.

Me: I went there once. Remember?





Evil Witch: Yes, I remember. So what do you think it is in those bottles?

Me: I think that somebody is stealing my precious bodily fluids and selling them.

Evil Witch: Which bodily fluids might they be?

Me: Any number of things. The Mango excretes many substances of varying viscosity such as pee, poop, slobbers, ear goobers, and sometimes even the hurka hurka.

Evil Witch: Hmmmm.....

Me: Or maybe it's my blood that the vampire vet takes sometimes. There is a big market out there for bits of The Mango.

Evil Witch: You know, Mango, there is another bodily fluid that comes out of you.

Me: Do tell.

Evil Witch: Your semen.

Me: Sea men? Did you say Mango Sea men? WTF? I do not have sailors inside of me.

Evil Witch: No, not sea men. Semen. Like what comes out of you sometimes when you have an exciting dream during your meditations.

Me: You mean like when I had that nautical nightmare and I woke up and thought I had peed out of terror?







Evil Witch: Yes, like that. You weren't afraid, you were excited.

Me: I was afraid.

Evil Witch: Let's try this. You know how sometimes we go to the vet and some of the lady dogs smell really good and make you howl and do your happy dance?

Me: Hot bitches.

Evil Witch: Exactly. There are some dogs like your brother Floyd who actually do the happy dance with those, um, heated up gals.



Ch. Eastwinds Comfortably Numb "Floyd"


Me: Why are you showing a picture of my mastiff brother? I am better looking than him.

Evil Witch: Yes you are.

Me: I want to do the happy dance.

Evil Witch: You can't. We've been through that. You were a big dope in the show ring.

Me: No I wasn't. I just didn't want some strange dude feeling my Mango-ness. Can you believe Floyd named his son Mongo? I think he was disrespecting me.

Evil Witch: Whatever. Listen. When a dog like Floyd does the happy dance with a lady dog she gets puppies in her belly. You've seen some lady dogs with puppies at the vet.

Me: That's preposterous. There aren't puppies in there. Those gals are just FAT! Like this moo cow! Hello? Jenny Craig emergency! Some doggie needs an intervention.




Evil Witch: She is not fat. She is full of puppies.

Me: I'll play along. "Puppies" is code for "fat." So I'm guessing next you'll say you have puppies in your ass and that's why you keep buying bigger pants.

Evil Witch: You're getting off topic.

Me: The Mango doesn't have any "puppies" in his ass thanks to the starvation diet I am on. Still doesn't explain why you think there are sailors inside of me and how they get out.

Evil Witch: Sometimes they are extracted manually.

Me: See? That's why my brother Floyd is an idiot. He needs a manual to know how to woo the bitches.

Evil Witch: Extracted manually by the vet. Look, I'll show you a movie, OK? But tell your friends that some of them might not want to watch. I will even put it in red letters. The following movie might not be suitable for all viewers, but watch it here if you want.

Me: WTF was THAT?

I feel dizzy.

Do you think I could get an appointment with that vet?


Evil Witch: After the semen is collected it is frozen and used later for artificial insemination.

Me: Are you on crack or something? What does freezing sailors and sending them to this Art Official to use for nefarious purposes in a place called Sum Nation have to do with Mango extracts?







Evil Witch: Sigh. You're right. I made it up.

Me: Thought so.

Mango Man! Oh yeah!

45 comments:

Bouncing Bertie said...

TOO MUCH INFORMATION MANGO MOMMA!!!

scotsmad said...

Agree with Bertie....but it was funny. We're wondering which extracts of Mango are in that jar.

XXXOOO Daisy, Bella & Roxy

3 doxies said...

Oh dis is likes all kinds of fascinating. Not only am I educated nows but da Mango has learned bouts da birds and da bees...sort of.

Nows I has a story...a man went to do our vets office to drops off some sea men and dude hads it in a condom...er prophalactic...with spermicide...bwhahahahaha...dude went to all dat trubles and da sea men died.

Puddles

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

...and on Whitney's Whikhked Whednesday no less ;-)

I would have expekhted to see some of her khome hither (SIC) shots!

Hugz&Khysses,
Sweet Innocent Khyra

Reilly / Denny Cowspotdogs said...

Hmmm not sure what to make of all that :)

Niamh said...

Mango,
Thanks for the warning. I did not let Ambrose look at that movie. The conversation with your momma was confusing enough for him. BTW we noticed that in the header picture that you are touching Dexter! Are you not worried about massive labradork cooties?

Your friend,
Niamh

The Thuglets said...

OMD! LOL
We love you header photo.

Have a great day.
Big Nose Pokes
The Thugletsx

Molly, Taffy, Monty and Winnie said...

We wouldn't let Monty and Winnie watch the video, they are still to young to understand...

MOlly and Taffy

Priscilla said...

That Mango Extract thingy sounds quite complicated so I told Eva that she could skip this post.

Princess Patches said...

Hahahahahaha!

Aire-hugs,
Patches

Honey the Great Dane said...

My human says she agrees with Bouncing Bertie and is screwing up her face in a funny way...I don't know what she's talking about (and Bertie) coz she wouldn't let me read anything after the Sea Men part...

Slobbes,
Honey the Great Dane

Sam and Pippen said...

Awesome postie... We're thinking this should be required reading for all puppy classes! Very informative!

Sam and Pippen

Casey said...

Momma said I'm too young to watch that video or read the whole post. She's not very nice.

Jake of Florida said...

Our mom found this whole conversation hilarious and sat us down to carefully explain about sea men and Art Officials and all the mysteries of life that sadly we will never experience.

Mango Momma, we think you missed your calling; you and the Mango Man could conduct unique (happily not eunuch)hygiene (that's what they called it when our mom was a pup) classes for human and canine pupsters!

Wirey woofs,

Jake and Just Harfry

The Heartbeats said...

So this is where all them GSD puppies come from that Mamma brings home....Hmmmm....

Wiggles,
Calhoun

Chester said...

And here I was....blaming my lack of blog inspiration on my overly busy schedule. After reading this hilarious description about Mango and his sea men, and his Art Official in Sum Nation - I realize I must be sorely lacking in African Mango extract. I am going now to order a couple bottles. Nobody can be this creative on crack, "Mango", it HAS to be the extract.

Chester's Mom ;0-)

Wild Dingo said...

YOu know, probably half the people commenting on this blog have breeded dogs--many of them whom may have come about exactly like this. I'm surprised to read the "TMI" claim. I mean seriously, this to me was really interesting. no really. As a dog lover, I'm interested in all aspects of animal life. they are dependent on humans for their welfare and the progression of their genes and breed standards. Otherwise, they'd go about it as birds and bees and we'd lose a lot of the uniqueness of the breeds we love today. We owe it to them to be as knowledgeable as we can about the process, whether we have breeded dogs or rescued dogs.

I personally find this educational. Too bad some are too squimish to look at it for what it really is! Good for you Mango and DOH for the education!

Now, if the Mango were to do a happy dance with a hottie, would she require a Mango on the Rocks? OMG, that looks so delicious!

(says Wild Dingo who is currently eating a Mango dried fruit roll up. No seriously, I am.)

Ina in Alaska said...

I also have puppies in my ass. I need some Mango Extract.

Hilarious post-- I watched some of the "collection" video but could not understand German. Again, need Mango Extract.

Floyd is very handsome!

Halle is doing MUCH better on 1/2 dose of Phenobarb

Sarge said...

Hey Mango!
Wow, I think your Mango Momma is all confused! What does she think the stork is for?!? The stork brings puppies...everyone knows that. Well, almost everyone! BOL. I think that jar contains Mango Drool. That's the most amazing stuff!
Grr and Woof,
Sarge, COP

Sarge said...

BTW: My Dad was a Seaman in the peep Navy and says this story is all kinds of crazy and very wrong!
BWAR HAR HAR It even gave him the heebie-geebies!

harrispen said...

I don't know what I could say that hasn't already been said, but this was one of the most hilarious conversations Mango and Momma have ever had! Thanks for the laugh this morning.

Cindy

Frankie Furter and Ernie said...

I'm glad that my ERNIE can't read.

Fiona, as typed by Dr. Liz said...

Wow. Um. So just because you were a dope in the ring you can't give some female doggie puppies? I mean, 'Mango' is a much cooler name than 'Comfortably Numb' (talk about WTF?!? Comfortably numb sounds like how Mom spend her college years, as far as I can tell). And I think the name should count at least as much as how much you enjoy having your MangoBits manhandled. Personally, I'd love to do the Happy Dance with you and have Mastadoodles, except that I don't have any girly bits left. But I think a Mastadoodle would be pretty cool. Maybe you could find a local 'doodle girl and convince her to get fat so that the sailors could bring Mastadoodle puppies.

BTW, OUR Mom would be rather miffed with us if we called her an Evil Witch - you clearly have much better control over your household than we do!

*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Hippobottomus (Who is NOT carrying puppies in her bottomus)

Macintosh Mitch said...

I think I'm in a state of shock!

Love ya lots,
Mitch

Sue said...

Mango man we need to have a talk! I goofed up in the show ring too. I did some jumping jacks that the stupid judge didn't appreciate.BUT I got to do the dance with Samba and now I'm stuck with all these grown pups that won't leave home. I want to do that dance again but the girls here aren't interested.
Fudge

Lassiter Chase and Benjamin said...

Mango, it amazes me the kind of blog posts you come up with!!!!

jen said...

LMAO! from the "hot bitches" to the the video! Oh Mango!
I think your mom needs to come over and have that talk with Leroy, Leroy is so NOT cooperative in this extraction process. As for Sherman, well Sherman is a pro!

chicamom85 said...

MY EYES, MY EYES!!!! TMI(too much ick) I must rest now, seriously that can't be true. I don't want to get fat and poop out babies. I am dizzy, I have a headache.

Loveys Sasha

p.s. just because I said loveys does not mean I want you to put anything in me

houndstooth said...

Hee hee hee! I feel a little sorry for that guy, though. Too bad he couldn't find a girl who wanted to tango with him! From what I heard from Mom, there might be a better way to do that. We were giggling like mad reading your conversation!

Bunny

Zona said...

BOL... what a post to come back to comment-land too! My laptop has been sickies but is is better now and I can now comment again! You and your momma are hilarious!

Wags,
Zona

Zona said...

BOL... what a post to come back to comment-land too! My laptop has been sickies but is is better now and I can now comment again! You and your momma are hilarious!

Wags,
Zona

Jed and Abby in MerryLand said...

This post has sparked quite a heated discussion chez nous. Mama says we cannot see the video because we are only 8 years old. We maintain that mama has to convert that to doggie years and we are so old enough to see an X-rated video. Abby is handling the legal negotiations.

In the meantime, you need to have a talk with your Momma about the difference between 'may' and 'can.' Clearly you CAN do the happy dance with a receptive lady dog and contribute some Mango progeny to the betterment of the world. Mango Momma appears to be saying you MAY NOT do the happy dance for some dumb hu-ape reason. To us, not allowing strangers to manhandle your dangley bits is actually proof of your verility and strong moral fiber. So here's our idea: when you smell that certain enticing lady dog smell in the neighborhood, get PeeWee to use his Labraskills and dig you a Mango sized hole under the fence, so you can take care of business without having to involve Mango Momma at all. Better make sure the enticing lady dog is going to waive puppy support payments before you dance, though.

Jed & Abby

Jed and Abby in MerryLand said...

oops! Abby is yapping at mama and distracted her. We meant virility!

Jed & Abby

KB said...

Oh my goodness... what a conversation!!!!! We are howling in CO!!!!!!

Pibble said...

Oh, the tears of laughter - I can barely see to write this! Poor Mango. Don't worry - I'm sure they're getting lots of money for your "parts"!

Sewmouse said...

The 2-legs slave is lauging so loud it is making my sensitive ears hurt. She keeps gasping something about having puppies all over her body, which she better not, as this is a ONE CAT HOUSE and shall remain so!

I let her come here and read your posts, because I fear she might bring some puppy into the house if I don't.

Kili. The cat. I have just discovered a new toy. I must now go and demolish it.

The Boston Lady said...

Haha! This reminded me of the first "talk" I had with my human son. Mango, it sure does sound like it's made up to me too! Ann

Marjie said...

Life is so confusing in Mango-ville. Floyd is a handsome devil; I can see the resemblance between Floyd and you, his much more handsome brother!

Holly Dare said...

I needed a good laugh today!!! Thanks Mango and Mama!!

sagechronicles said...

Oh my, is this post rated "R"? I had to cover Sage's ears and eyes so she wouldn't get any ideas, while I was laughing my a#@ off!

FiveSibesMom said...

You guys crack me up!!!

Lorenza said...

Haaaaa!
I knew that African Mango helps you to loose weight... and then... I read your conversation with your mom and then... I got lost!
Ooops!
Kisses and hugs
Lorenza

STELLA and RORY from Down Under said...

Mango Extract? Seamen in your body? My dog, are there Army men too or Air Force men as well? What the heck is your mum talking about. We think your mum is on crack or she has cracked. Our mum is cracking up so it must be catching even over the internets. Take care Uncle Mango. No worries, and love, Stella and Rory

dewdana said...

That is totally made up. It has to be! Momma said my last foster pal had some nauty-cal dreams though... She said she didn't even know that happened to doggies until your evil witch momma polluted her brain with these demented stories! I'm pretty sure that stuff in the bottle is imitation mango ness.

Oskar said...

We made the wise choice not to watch the video. The content in this post was more than enough to disturb us for the evening.

Nubbin wiggles,
Oskar