Sunday, September 9, 2012

Walkie Wardrobe Horrors

The Mango has long since given up convincing the DOH that a sports bra just doesn't cut it for a manly dude such as myself when out and about.

But of late, she has added to my misery by forcing me to wear an orange glow in the dark clown collar!

Do you see it? 

Seriously? You want me to walkie looking like a total dork?

Momma says "Oh, Mango, it is just to make you more visible. Our street is so very busy and narrow."

And I'm like "WTF, lady? I'm as big as a couch! You think anybody is going to miss seeing me?"

Objects are larger than they appear.

It gets worse.

Because next thing you know she is typing away on the computer and she looks down and shrieks out "Oh Mango! I am getting old lady hands!"

I was kind of nonplussed (yeah, I use that word, who doesn't) by that little outburst. I mean, so what else is new, right? She is about 87,000 years old. 

But before I know it, a little package arrives in the mail and now when we walkie she is wearing these things. A regular little Scarlett O'Hara, right? 

She says they are called Coolibar (which sounds like a nommy to me) and are made out of sun block material. Because if I have heard it once, I've heard it a gazillion times, "Mango, mark my words, some day 'healthy tan' will be considered an oxymoron."

Sounds to me like an excuse to maintain the uber geek undead zombie pallor on all parts of her person.

To her credit, while a lot of ladies her age kind of look like this....

Momma's eerily white skin is still soft to the touch.

And what of the headgear that is sported in attempts to ward off sun, cold, and head biting insects?

The anti biting fly flap hat.

The gnat hat...

And the Elmer Fudd hat...

Which leads brings us to the primary topic of the day....

Yes, an actual article of clothing, called, are you ready.... a FACEKINI!

Momma's foolish work place boss alerted her to this new beach wear intended to prevent any actual exposure to the sun and momma was, well, let's just say.... intrigued.

The idea of trying to maintain any shred of dignity whilst accompanied by some dorky old bat looking like a cross between a serial killer and a giant kong is almost too much to bear.

To cleanse your viewing pallet, here's a nicey nice picture of me with momma wherein which she looks only moderately dorky - note evil plaid pants (I, of course, look handsome as every).

Mango Man! Oh yeah!


Bouncing Bertie said...

Mango, somehow I sensed that a post entitled Walkie Wardrobe Horrors, that there would be more to it than an (admittedly embarrassing to wear) frilly orange collar.
After all we in the UK do hold MangoMomma responsible for introducing an unsuspecting nation to the major sartorial disaster otherwise known as the Elmer Fudd hat...
I am so relieved that the almost total lack of sunshine in Scotland renders the protective gear depicted here redundant.
Oh but I must say I agree that in the final photo the both of you do indeed look jolly handsome and not at all dorky.
Toodle pip!

Jeanne Pursell said...

Oh Dear! Well, let's try to find something positive in this least she is concerned for your safety by having you wear a glow in the dark collar!! And at least YOU don't have to wear the protective headgear!! BOL!! xoxo Chloe and LadyBug

Sam and Pippen said...

Dude... don't see what you're complaining about - after all you didn't have to wear a pink tutu!

Sam and Pippen

monica said...

Facekini uh? Like Bertie I am thankful to live far north where the sun stays away mostof the time... And for summer holidays we tend to go even further north, crossing the polar circle and all... You can say many things about your momma Mango, she is for sure not a boring person!! And she loves you to death... Lovely photo of the both of you!
Bundy and Monica

Mitch and Molly said...

OMG, please tell us that your momma did NOT buy a facekini, Mango. Those things are scary!

Love ya lots,
Mitch and Molly

Priscilla said...

Oh gosh! you are lucky that your wardrobe is much smaller than your momma's.

Niamh said...

You shouldn't let your momma be seen in public wearing the Elmer Fudd hat, Mango. And if she wears that facekini thing small children will run away screaming! Our person is 399 in dog years and is getting very decrepit. We hope she doesn't get any of those outfits.

Your friends,
Niamh & Ambrose

Lovable Lily said...

Very funny Mango!

Lily Belle & Muffin
p.s. We LOVE your Moms pants ~ She rocks!

Gus said...

Teka says that you must remember that hoomans do not have much (if any) furs to protect them. We cannot all be as handsome as the Mango.


garthriley said...

I feel your pain Mango Man. Whenever mom and I walk at dusk or at night, she wears a glow-in-the-dark hat (can you say geek?) and she makes me wear a collar with flashing red lights. What am I, a Christmas tree?

At least your mom doesn't wear a grass skirt!!!

your pal,

Painter Pack said...

Oh dears....sounds like the land of da living dork moms! Add my mommy to da bunch of weird and unusual. She is always falling she figured the best way to keep us doggies from breaking free was to tie the leash around her waist..that way if she is falling (TIMMMMBER!!!!) then she won't worry about using both hands to catch herself and potentially lose one of us. I think it is a grand idea...cause when she goes down, I have the option of running and dragging her along! LOL!!!

Mya Boo Boo

Moose said...

Momma was clipping a flashing pumpkin to my harness recently but lucky for me it broke. Momma herself wears a headlamp and think yours does to on winter evening walkies, no? Momma's are nuts!

Sam said...

Mom is fond of hats with super wide brims here in AZ. She gets made fun of a lot, but she is okay with it.


Mimi and CC Cabana said...

OH MY GOSH! I have been looking for something like the Coolibar for a few weeks now. My left arm gets so much sun when I'm driving, and it is getting old lady-ish with all the freckles and age spots. Thank you for sharing that link. They have exactly what I need!

Sammie and Avalon said...

Your Mom's hats, coolobara and facekinis are not only dorky but the stuff of which nightmares are made! You poor boy - sorry about the collar, but hopefully momma won't make you don any of her trappings Bol!
xxxx Sammie and Avalon

SissySees said...

Dear Mango,
Thank you for always being the voice of reason. Here in the woods, we Sissy who loves to draw attention to herself and will wear anything - and I mean ANYTHING - that helps that cause, and Mama, who also has sun-fear, dehydration fear, and her usual good sense of style goes out the window in the name of what she calls visibility.

What's a fair princess to do!?

Licks and love,
Gretchen Greer

PS - I think there's a market for dog walking attire for humans. Let's talk.

Frankie Furter and Ernie said...

OMD Mango I Hardly know WHAT to say or think. Perhaps a GIANT Glow in the DARK UMBRELLA... is in your future.

Casey said...

A collar? You're complaining about one little collar?! When WE go out, Momma makes us wear whole jackets or coats!

rottrover said...

Mango, we have several responses to this thought -provoking post: We really like your glow-in-the-dark collar, secondly, our mom really likes your mom's short haircut, and third - your head is REALLY, REALLY BIG compared to your Momma's!!! No wonder you are so damned smart!!

-Bart and Ruby

Ludo van Doggy said...

Oh mango, i see what you mean. You at least need an orange lead to match.

Reuben said...

Mango, truly you is as big as a couch. I no thinks anyone would miss you on the street. Oh, also tell your mama that they gots this new thing on the market called "sunblocks." Tell her she can dump it all over herself and the sun no will dead her. Good lucks with all those crazy outfits!


Anonymous said...

Your momma does seem to have an undead zombie pallor. I would discourage any interest she might have in the facekini. Heck, you're a good sport to even allow her to walk with you.

The Army of Four said...

Mango! I totally, totally sympathize with you. Well, not TOTALLY - thankfully, those Sibes who came before me taught our mom not to make us wear goofy stuff (err... not that that orange thing looks goofy or anything ...) but she does sport some strange things on her own. Why do you think Davy and I don't help with the gardening? From stinking like bug spray to the knee pads and on up to the strange headgear ... we just stay inside. It's much more dignified that way.
I'm NOT letting her see this post. Especially the facekini part. Shudder.
Play bows,

Checkers & Chess said...

Mango - Checkers here - I'm having to keep this from Mom 'else she decide to get one of those orangy things for me or my new brother!

My mommy is white as a ghost, something about being Irish, so she stays pretty slathered up with the sun block. The doctor who likes to look at peoples skin can't believe she is a southerner because her face doesn't have any deep wrinkles. She ALWAYS wears a hat.

Her hands, however, are a bit wrinkly...don't tell her I said that. She is always saying when she looks at her hands she just can't believe they belong to her. She's still got pretty feet tho - but they swell up because she has something called high Blood Pressure

Oh well - I love her - but I'm not wearing that orangey thing. For once I agree with Tank.

The Teacher's Pets said...

On a positive note, you mom has very nice, non wrinkly skin! On another positive note, your skin is vibrant and handsome. And, may I add, she is not making you wear protective head gear! Very entertaining post!

Jake of Florida said...

Last night we watched Dark Passage, the movie where Bogart is not seen for the first third of the movies until he has reconstructive surgery, following which he walks around with a fully bandaged face. Perhaps the model for the facetini? Not too attractive, we think.

Our mom is way too vain to try any of the chapeaux your mom has sported on occasion -- but we do commend her for being so creative.

Wirey woofs,

Jake and Just Harry

Ruby said...

"More visable"????? Ma saw a car yesterday that was smaller than you! How on God's green earth can ANYBODY not see YOU?? I say, 'off with the clown collar!' (did it work?) Well, I tried.
Please, if your Moms comes at you with one of those Facekini's...RUN!!



pees: Me thinks your Ma looks like a teenybopper!

Tom, Tama-Chan, Sei-Chan, Bibi-Chan, Gen-Chan, Vidock, Violette said...

We somehow suspect that glow-in-the-dark collars come in a non-frilly variant as well...


Two French Bulldogs said...

Oh Mango we feel for ya! BOL
Benny & Lily

Berts Blog said...

Mango your mom is an itty bitty thing isn't she. Tell her we love the hats.

Jen said...

"The idea of trying to maintain any shred of dignity whilst accompanied by some dorky old bat looking like a cross between a serial killer and a giant kong is almost too much to bear."

Best. Ever.

The gloves are kinda neat. I do love fingerless gloves, though perhaps I would not select "ecru" for the color.

STELLA and RORY from Down Under said...

Uncle Mango, you just crack us up mate. Mum says she has skeleton hands now and is always rubbing cream into them hoping to erase years of sun exposure! Has your mum seen the little hats you can get that are like a mini umbrella that sits on the head. Woops, don't want to give your Momma anymore ideas.

Anyhoo, we don't think anyone would say you look dorky mate. If they do, might be the last thing they say! Jaws of doom and all that. See ya big dude. No worries, and love, Stella and Rory

Asta said...

You don't like owange????? But, but, but, that's jus t not pawsibull. Wewe you just being polite when you complimented me on my collaw and Mommi on hew widicooloos owange wain poncho?

I do think that mask woold scawe Mommi out of hew skin
She thankfully pwefews to use an owange pawasol. Eccentwic, but effective

I love the ladt pictoowe, youw Mom does NOT look at all dowwky, and of couwse you awe devestatingly handsome as always

Smoochie kisses

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

Oh handsome Mango Man! You could not look like a dork if you tried!!! I'm sure your Momma is just trying to keep you safe!

Laura, Lance, and Vito said...

I love it! The things are dogs have to put up with :)

Laura, Lance, and Vito said...

I love it! The things are dogs have to put up with :)

Reilly / Denny Cowspotdogs said...

Big Dude - you have our sympathy. Really - the folks seem to take such delight in embarrassing us.

Lorenza said...

Oh, Mango!
You are so right. Sure it is hard to miss you when you are in your walkies!
Your mom does everything needed to keep away the effects of the sun!
Not stylish.... but very effective!
Kisses and hugs

Honey the Great Dane said...

Oh no, no, no, Mango, nooooooooo!!!

Why did you have to put up these pictures?? YOU ARE GIVING MY HUMAN IDEAS!!!! You know Hsin-Yi is bad enough on her own - she is a Chinese breed of human and they are OBSESSED with avoiding the should have seen her eyes pop out when she saw those weird gloves your Momma's got! She was practically salivating over them! I've already got to put up with the Embarrassing Giant Hat that she brought back from Taiwan (I haven't had time to blog about it yet) - and now you're giving her even more ideas!!! ACK!!

Honey the Great Dane

The Boston Lady said...

Mango, I have to admit the clown collar is a little,ah, amusing, but... if it saves your life.... in fact I think because of your huge-Mangoness, you might need an even bigger one. As for your Momma, puhleeze, let her wear those gloves and hats and such - people will be looking at her and not at you in the clown collar. (Just kidding momma, just trying to placate the boy - I understan completely) Ann TBL

houndstooth said...

BOL!!! Oh Mango! We have just the thing for you! We're reviewing two different glow in the dark collars in the next few weeks. Surely that will be much better than a scrunchie around your neck.

And just a heads up, Mom saw whole body covers like that face thing at the Halloween store last week. Imagine her in a full body unitard walking you around!


houndstooth said...

BOL!!! Oh Mango! We have just the thing for you! We're reviewing two different glow in the dark collars in the next few weeks. Surely that will be much better than a scrunchie around your neck.

And just a heads up, Mom saw whole body covers like that face thing at the Halloween store last week. Imagine her in a full body unitard walking you around!


H and Flo said...

You have got a huuuuuuuge head Mango.

Anonymous said...

BOL! Thinkin your Momma should ixne the faceskin thingy. Might get her confused with a terrorist and she'd be carted of to Gitmo :O

I like your crinkle collar Mango. Bet it makes peeps smile when they see it ;)

Glad your Momma isn't a Mummy ;)

Waggin at ya,

Tucker said...

Dude that collar is embarrassing and it clashes with your brindle furs. If your momma wore that face mask I bet you wouldn't go anywhere near her. Worse than Dexter in a cone.

woof - Tucker

Lassiter Chase and Benjamin said...

Mango! We knew we could count on reading your blog to put us in a good mood! Love the picture of you and the Momma! You need to see if you can photoshop a different pair of pants on her -- and then it will be perfect. Maybe put some drool on plaid pants to improved the picture next time!

Marjie said...

Momma's almost as old as I am, and very well preserved. Case in point: the so-called "Tanning Mom" in New Jersey, who's at least 22,000 years younger than me or your Momma, and who looks like a freak show on feet. As long as she doesn't go for the Kong Mask, it's all good.

chicamom85 said...

Mango I can only hope there is no elmer fudd hat in your future. With the fall and Halloween coming up. The clown collar could be quite fashionable. Those face things are totally scary and I hope I don't have nightmares. My mommy isn't much for sun either and she really likes the gloves,can a fudd hat be in her future...shudder...I hope not. That I a very nice picture of u and Momma.

Loveys Sasha

ocmist said...

We think you have a wonderful Mama cause she loves you so much and takes such good care of you! That's what make Mama's beautiful you know... lots of love!!!

Grammy has taken to wearing hats sometimes. We always bark and carry on when she comes to the door that way cause she doesn't look like herself. She about cracked up when she saw those "facekini's." She saw someone wearing something like that one time, only black, and coming out of a bank. It turned out to be a REAL LIVE BANK ROBBER!!! She thought they were filming a movie! And you say YOUR Mom does weird things!

We all agree, though, that you HAVE got to talk some sense into her on making you wear that little clown collar. If you HAVE to wear a clown collar, it should be big enough to FIT you right! The Country Corgis