The Mango has long since given up convincing the DOH that a sports bra just doesn't cut it for a manly dude such as myself when out and about.
But of late, she has added to my misery by forcing me to wear an orange glow in the dark clown collar!
Do you see it?
|Seriously? You want me to walkie looking like a total dork?|
Momma says "Oh, Mango, it is just to make you more visible. Our street is so very busy and narrow."
And I'm like "WTF, lady? I'm as big as a couch! You think anybody is going to miss seeing me?"
|Objects are larger than they appear.|
It gets worse.
Because next thing you know she is typing away on the computer and she looks down and shrieks out "Oh Mango! I am getting old lady hands!"
I was kind of nonplussed (yeah, I use that word, who doesn't) by that little outburst. I mean, so what else is new, right? She is about 87,000 years old.
But before I know it, a little package arrives in the mail and now when we walkie she is wearing these things. A regular little Scarlett O'Hara, right?
She says they are called Coolibar (which sounds like a nommy to me) and are made out of sun block material. Because if I have heard it once, I've heard it a gazillion times, "Mango, mark my words, some day 'healthy tan' will be considered an oxymoron."
Sounds to me like an excuse to maintain the uber geek undead zombie pallor on all parts of her person.
To her credit, while a lot of ladies her age kind of look like this....
Momma's eerily white skin is still soft to the touch.
And what of the headgear that is sported in attempts to ward off sun, cold, and head biting insects?
The anti biting fly flap hat.
The gnat hat...
And the Elmer Fudd hat...
Which leads brings us to the primary topic of the day....
Yes, an actual article of clothing, called, are you ready.... a FACEKINI!
Momma's foolish work place boss alerted her to this new beach wear intended to prevent any actual exposure to the sun and momma was, well, let's just say.... intrigued.
The idea of trying to maintain any shred of dignity whilst accompanied by some dorky old bat looking like a cross between a serial killer and a giant kong is almost too much to bear.
To cleanse your viewing pallet, here's a nicey nice picture of me with momma wherein which she looks only moderately dorky - note evil plaid pants (I, of course, look handsome as every).