Friday, June 25, 2010

Steam Driven Momma (and how you can help)

Before I start, I want to alert all my doggie pals. If you live near Woodland Park, New Jersey, please be on the lookout for this handsome guy who escaped from his furever home. You can read all about him on Khyra's blog here. We are all sending our most powerful thoughts his way to help him not be scared and to come home soon.

Now for today's topic.

It is with some alarm that I must inform you that my momma appears to be steam powered.

Seems to me that she would be better off running on nuclear power or at least some earth friendly solar power, but steam it is. Now, the reason I know this, is that apparently her engines or turbines or whatever do not burn efficiently because she is always saying that she is "running out of steam."

This is most apparent when she is confronted by a less than optimal task such as doing the housework. Now my momma cannot afford to be a neat freak what with living with me, and little Captain Sheds A Lot, but still she does try and it is important for her to maintain some semblance of cleanliness lest she become despondent.

So most Sundays find her embarking on the three hour ordeal of minimal yet required cleaning. This task could certainly be streamlined if she did not insist on using the opportunity to experiment with rearranging the living room furniture. As you can see from the photo below, she is not very clever (like, duh, even I know that the chair in the hallway is not going to work) and after some time spent pushing the suck machine around, making the floors damp, and mutterings about "damn dirty dogs" everything is back where it started.

She also insists on getting down on her hands and knees to scrub the kitchen and bathroom floors as if she is some sort of middle aged Cinderella.

Worse, still, are the all too frequent occasions when I am certain it is Mango time only to be confronted with this conversation;

Mango: Momma, it is now Mango time. Let's go walkies or work on my dance moves.

Momma: Oh Mango, I am so tired, can we skip it tonight? Besides, I really have to use what energy I have left to take PeeWee on a short walk to help him burn off some steam.

Ah ha! Did you notice the key bit of information hidden in that disheartening declaration? Yes, the PeeWee is often accused of needing to burn off some steam. Apparently he is steam powered as well!

But unlike Momma, he has an ample supply, an over supply, a surplus.

So the question becomes, how does one harness even a minute quantity of labrasteam and relocate it to momma thereby giving her enough to attend to her most important duties (like playing with ME).

And is it a safe thing to do? Is labrasteam different from mommasteam? If I succeed, will momma develop an obsession with tennis balls and swimming? Will she poke her snooter in people's eye sockets? Will she (gasp) bitey me?

In order to determine the exact nature of PeeWee's energy, I cleverly went online to purchase a pair of x-ray glasses...

And discovered.... THIS!

Oops, wrong photo.

I discovered... THIS!

Pretty complex innards. How to bring my bold vision to life? For that, dear readers, I am relying on you. Surely some of my clever pals can help the Mango figure out how to transfer even a few gigawatts of energy from stupid PeeWee to perpetually tired momma.

Please leave your thoughts, or, better yet, if you are inclined to make a drawing and post it on your bloggy, I would consider it a great favor.

An additional note. I have also heard the midget described as full of "piss and vinegar" which is apparently another energy producing resource. Having made a collection of said product, I remain at a loss as to the proper transfer to the DOH.

I anxiously await your suggestions.

Mango Man, Oh yeah!

P.S. Miss Tula made a movie of my exciting recall work. Thanks Tula!

She must have been filming in slow motion because my recalls are lightening fast! This practice was hard because helper gal stole my hot dog bag which made her most interesting. Note that Tula kept a watchful eye on the labradork lest he interfere with Mango time.


WFT Nobby said...

No no no Mango. Some lateral thinking here is required. Surely the solution is to train Dexter to do the cleaning! Enough of the graduate school rubbish, teach him something useful!
By the way, did you know that Gail first misread 'Captain Sheds A Lot' as 'Captain Shreds A Lot' and then blamed me for putting the thought in her mind...
Toodle pip!

Kapitein Haakje said...

hahaha mango
that x-ray visone are coool
what do you see in my tummy?

are you school always indoor?
sanne will filmd saturday our school and i can come! yeaaah not to traine but there is a clubcompetion so she gonna film and take photo's and i can come to yeaah el'bow is the maNstiff

Mack said...

I'm with Bertie. If you could teach Dex to do some housework, Momma would surely have more steam for the Mango!!

Lola and also Franklin, too said...

I wish I could help, but I'm not great in the area of either technical or medical skills. What I do know is that if you solve this problem you'll get the Nobel pressie for sure. So far, studies have shown that one of the places doggies and also human puppies get their steam is by draining it from their Mommies. They don't mean any harm, of course. It's nature's way of trying to kill Mommies, I guess. So far, it's always been a one way thing and no one has been able to figure out how to get some of that steam back into a Mom when she needs it. You probably need to consult a genius kind of dog on this one. Do you know any Border Collies or Poodles you could ask?

wags, Lola

Peppy Sheppys said...


Your engineering skills far exceed ours and we are most impressed with your plans to hook your mom's low-steam powered engine up to the souped up labrasteam. We think we need to do the same for our ape except that she constantly describes herself as "pooped." And we don't know what sort of engineering that might require. Oh my.

Sheps w/Pep

ps. Our secret word is otessess which is the plural of Otis, we believe. Does this mean there are MANY Otises? This will not help with the pooped problem.

Gus said...

Well, lots and lots of the muzzer's available energies go to what she refurs to as "energy bursts" which are also known as hot flashes.

We are a family of liberal arsters, so our skills would not be of use in the engineering, but we would be happy to write press releases when you get the Nobel Pressie that Nola mentions.

gussie n teka

Sapphire said...

Again! *laugh laugh*

I really hope Rocky gets found by his family.

Congrats on your debut (:

Niamh said...

I would be very wary of putting all that labrasteam into your momma Mango. It probably has cooties which would be bad for her.

Your friend,

Maxmom said...

Hey Mango
Your mom sure is funny! I think it is the 'lack of steam' that brings on her humour! My own mom is at her most funniest when she is steam-less. Strange...but true!
As for the regeneration of have to give her a break and allow her to build up some more. (A tip...don't let her simmer too long...she might flip her lid!)
Sending lotsaluv to you and Dex'

BRUTUS said...

Some most ingenious thoughts! If you figure those things out we think you'll certainly have it made, and I bet your momma could even have an early retirement (ironically enough). I have TONS of extra steam to burn off to, but Carmen seems to be helping with that. And she DOES look like a teeny (tail-less) version of you, now that you mention it!

Multiple Snorts-
Brutus (& Carmen) the Frenchie(s)

Frankie Furter and Ernie said...

I just don't know about this.

Ina in Alaska said...

Mango you must remember that Mango Momma must have short periods of time when she needs to focus on other things. SOB. You will get over it.

Meanwhile, Mango Momma, I just figured out I could pay somebody to clean up our house every two weeks. That has helped me so much and keep some of my steam intact! Happy weekend!! (My Word Verification today is SPITS) xoxo

houndstooth said...

Hmmm... Several ideas come to mind! First, perhaps Dexter should do some of the housework. I mean, if my dad is expecting me to carry poop, anything can happen in this crazy world!

I have heard the expression "harness the power" so perhaps this will require Dex to wear his sports bra, but then it would have to be attached to your mom through some kind of steam transfer device.

Have you ever read "Walter the Farting Dog"? At the very end of the story, they have a contraption built to capture Walter's steam as it escapes his bottom and there's enough to power an entire amusement park. If you built one of those, surely you could transfer the power to your mom!


Infrequent Flyers said...

Ha ha! I loved the graphics! Mango, after viewing your recall video, I don't really think your mom needs to have all that much steam left to entertain you. You seem very...self-sufficient.

Heather and Kelly said...

Gosh, you have a REALLY complex task ahead of you! I really have no idea how to transfer steam--or even if Labrasteam and mommasteam work with each other or not....

I have one measly suggestion. Does your momma have a steamer? They're used for when people get sick and need to steam their lungs, work quite well. They're also just a generally healthy thing to use. Maybe your momma could get suck in that steam and she would have more energy....

Hope you figure out how to get your fair share of walkies soon, Mango.

Heather and Cheyenne

P.S. I had nooo idea that Dex had innards like that! Most unusual.

Jake of Florida said...

Our Dogdad has an ENGINE-EAR so when he gets back from his latest trip (San Juan, PR), we will present him with this problem.

In the meantime, we agree with those who suggested that good old Dex should use some of that pent-up steam to help out-of-steam mom get those EXHAUST-ing chores done.

On the other paw, if you and Dexter do something that gets your mom STEAMED, does that help her get to work again???

Just askin'!

Wirey love,

Jake and Just Harry

ScrapsofMe said...

Hmmm...the most obvious solution is to put Dexter on a tread mill to exercise him...and then you can have the left over Momma engergy all to your self.

Just tell him all the elite athletes use tread mills. He'll buy into that fer sure.

With him out of the equation, all the leftover Momma Energy will be for YOU!

Momma Energy = ME
Dumb EXhausting housework = DEX
TIme for Mango Exercise = TIME



Or you could just bitey his paw so he can't walk.

ScrapsofMe said...

hahahah....word verification was: in...Dexter is hoggin all the momma he is a HOGINSKI!!


Anonymous said...

I suggests you watch that movie Young Frankenstein. (That's Frahnken-steen!) You know at the end where he's transferring part of his brains to the monster? But I would most definitely be prepared for some side effects with your momma. On the other paw, maybe PeeWee would start giving you treatsies and skritching you behind the ears.

Wiggles & Wags,

Kelly said...

My dear Mango,
This is indeed puzzling. I think I may have the solution.

If my understanding of steam is correct, it's basically hot air + moisture.

So... I was thinkin' about your farts. I mean they are warm, yes? So maybe you fart into a bucket of water, and then you pour it on momma? Perhaps it would enter her system more quickly if she were to drink it?

Hmm... my method needs some fine-tuning, but I think this could work...

For now, just start storing up your toots.


3 doxies said...

Well this is a conundrum and a half and I haves no skills to solve this sort of problem. I'ves nevers been to skool so I'm pretty clueless heres.
But, I do spy some Windex. Why in da world does your momma want to clean glass withs a Mango in da house? Hehehe, just wondering cuz we looooves to make nose art on da windows and stuffs so I can only imagine what a Mango could do to do windows.

Sue said...

We think the others are right. If you train Dexter to use up his steam doing housework, then Mom will still have her steam available to play with you. Then everybody is happy.

We try to help with the housework, but Mom gets in a bad mood when she does it, so it's better to hide out.
Morgan, Tsar and The Porties

Marjie said...

My momma runs out of steam too. I am lucky that we have enough furniture that my DOH does not try to move it every time she cleans, only twice a year. I have 2 boys who are full of that "piss and vinegar" too. Maybe you should move your estate next to mine so I can share them with you? 2 mastiffs for 2 boys. That would be fun.


Tama-Chan, Benny, Momo, Vidock, Violette, Ollie, Hotesse & Heloise said...

Actually, we were going to suggest that you send your Mom over here as #1 would be delighted to have a guest who loves to clean around! You see, our #1 much prefers going for walkies to cleaning!


JacksDad said...

You did so good on your recall! I think you should get 2 hot dogs just for that!

♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥ said...

Somehow, Mango, we think you need to abandon this plan to mix something of Pee Wee with something of MOm - it can come to no good. Maybe you can get Lacie to mix up a power drink in her blender for Momma.

Good job on your recall, hope Tula will let us see in in real time next time:)

Happy weekend.

Woos - Phantom, Thunder, and Ciara

violett said...

Hey mango,
it is to be read over and over again deliciously your amusing comments.

Kari in Alaska said...

naps are key to building up steam. No naps for PeeWee and lots for mom

Two French Bulldogs said...

Oh Mango, all you have to do is attach a solar panel to mom's head!
Benny & Lily

The WriggleButts said...

i'm sorry, Mango. I have no idea.. However, if you figure it out I would love to try something similar transferring some devonsteam to my mom.


Those Elgin Pugs said...

Hello's 'dere big me's!! It's yous little selfs!! Hu Hu's!! Firsts...I's get me telescopes outs and helps looks for Rocky!! Maybe's if yous play some of 'da Eyes of 'da Tiger musics he just may shows ups!!

O.tays... next's, I's must gets me's a pair of 'dem glasses!! Hu Hu's!! 'da first pairs!! SNORTS!!

O.K.'s Now's...I's gots a nut balls sister!! I's under stands what yous going trous wits yousa Pee Wees Hermans Big Adventures!!!

I's got just 'da solutions!! 'deres a couples two tree tings yousa can do's!!
1) Put some peanut butters on his tails... he's run in circles for hours til he's gets tired~ SNORTS!!
2) Put some peanut butters in betweens he's eye balls!!! hu hu's!!!
(see what's I's dids... just took same idea's and switchy switched places ups)...yousa cans feels free to tinks ups other places toos) I.E... Butts, armpits
3) O.K.'s now 'da next ones may take some times... butt likes my Mommy who's got her Drivers Lic from Cereal boxes... Yous too can learns to drives... den...ties a piece of steaks to 'da bumpers and drive and 'den Big Adventures will chase yous round blocks!!! Yous won't be tires 'cuz yousa driving...butt Big Adventures wills be's!!
Ha Ha!!!
Lastly!! Convince him for his name sake 'dat he must learn hows to dance in 'dose big white shoes!!! 'dat should tires him outs for sures!!!!!!!!!
Hu Hu's!!!!

Your co-conspirator,
Anakin Man

The Adventures of the LLB Gang said... got a bunch of great suggestions Mango!!

We are all about a steam fueled Dexter Maid service!!

the booker man said...

mango, could go talk to trouble the kitty over at dennis's place cuz she sure seems to know all about this kind of thingie...but i don't know if that's really a good idea...
the booker man

Gus, Louie and Callie said...

Mom needs to figure out how to get that Laborsteam to help her.. Perhaps and dust rag on the tail? Toilet licking.. ooowwweeee..
Great video Mango...

Big Sloppy Kisses
Gus, Louie and Callie

Anonymous said...

I've spent the afternoon meditating (yes, we lhasas can meditate too) on this problem of yours Mango.

Labradork - too much steam
Momma - not enough steam

I've come to the conclusion that one of them has to go. It's quite obvious that you're partial to Momma, but to be fair, I think you should just have them draw straws.

Unknown said...

Oh Mango - loved your recall video! And hey - what are you talking about? That is a FAST recall in my book!!

Hey - Hsin-Yi was fascinated - you know when you shook yourself in the beginning of the movie? That sounds EXACTLY like me!!!!!! :-)

Honey the Great Dane

Lucy-Fur, as typed by Dr. Liz said...

Yep. Definitely strap Swiffers to Dexter's feet and have him help your Mom clean. Definitely do NOT try to mix some of Dexter with your Mom - NOTHING GOOD can come of that. We project all sorts of Very Bad Things coming from that experiment. Instead, I suggest that you take some of your massive deep thinking time and come up with ways to wear Pee-Wee out, so that your Mom can get some rest, and then she'll be ready for MangoTime. Perhaps you could take a stick, a tennis ball on some string and some duct tape, and tape the ball on the string to the stick, and then the stick to Dexter's head; that way he can chase a tennis ball for hours. We're always thinking here!

*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Mutant Puppy

PeeEss: With as hot as it has been there, you would think your Mom would have more steam....

Dewey Dewster said...

Ah yes.....the old cleanin'phobia....wish Gram would get that again....why our toys are all over the place....'n no one will pick 'em up....maybe ya could put yer Mom on the stove in a pot of water....turn on the heat.... 'n see if she gets any steam that way.....

Dewey Dewster here....

Baby Rocket Dog and Hootie said...

Your mommy needs to stop pushing chairs around...maybe she wouldn't run out of steam so fast. Dexter needs all his steam to be able to keep bugging you!! Maybe you could help your mama by bringing her a cold drink.
BabyRD and Hootie

tula monstah said...

Pretty sure I saw a CLEAN YOUR MOMMA'S HOUSE LIKE A LABRACHAMP! grad course offered this summah....


** peeses: (former) teacher's pet is bragging about how you can't just declare yourself tp.

Sophie Brador said...

You need to get rid of that Dexter. He is stealing all your steam, dude. If I were there, I would take you for a walk AND dance with you.

I have been lounging in the country for almost two weeks and forgotten all about my mom. She's in Paris, being all deprived of dog loving, because the French are not friendly with their pups. But if I could break free, I would totally go find that Akita. I looooooove Akitas!


Rocky Creek Scotties and Rocky Creek Ramblings said...

If you figure out any way to give Moms more energy, please let us in on the secret.

Lilly, Piper, Carrleigh and Ruairi

JD and Max said...

Hi Mango - we agree that the idea of training Dexter to do the cleaning is an inspired one and one that should definately be looked into.

We're a bit worried that FH will consider training us to do this too though - hmmm, it's a dilema....!

Hey, your x-ray specs are COOL, we wanna pair too!! We're pretty sure the manic doxie next door is turbo driven and that the snooty westie the other side is full of hot air so we'd love to be able to prove this!

Schnauzer snuggles - JD and Max.

Karen Raye and Bentley Beargrass said...

Hope your friend gets found soon- sending zen up that way. And as far as that steam thing goes, energy seems to be in short supply lately. If you figure it out, please share it with your adoring public. Inquiring minds need to know!

Martha said...

Tell your mom to chill! We think you and Dexter should do the cleaning!
It seems all humans are the same - they are worried their house smells of dogs.
When did we ever worry about our homes smelling of humans.
Great graphics!
Martha and Bailey xx

Cheryl, Indiana, Shingo and Molly said...

We agree with Bertie. You should make Dexter clean the house and move the furryniture around. That way he gets rid of said "Steam" and your Momma doesn't lose hers. Good luck with your experiment.

Woofs and Kisses!
The Fiesty Three

Cheryl, Indiana, Shingo and Molly said...

We agree with Bertie. You should make Dexter clean the house and move the furryniture around. That way he gets rid of said "Steam" and your Momma doesn't lose hers. Good luck with your experiment.

Woofs and Kisses!
The Fiesty Three

Oskar said...

Maybe a mouth to mouth transfer from Dexter to the momma.

The Oceanside Animals said...

hello mango its dennis the vizsla dog hay dada wuz watching yore rekall and saying sumthing abowt impeeryal walkies i hav no ideea wot he is tawking abowt as yoozhual!!! ok bye

Kate said...


First thing, Have my frost, Have it all! Take it NOW! Will that convert some of your Momma's steamliness to usefulness in order to respond to your minutely hankerings.

Second, you will want to be carefull that this piss and vinegar doesn't convert to good old gas, which I am sure you are well familiar with...

Thirdly... Labradogs are superior to the slobbery oafishness which is Thy Mango.

Fourthly... Going back to point two, perhaps if you work on a machine that converts the gas from your innards to useable steam to give your Momma a kick start...?

Fifthly.. Mum is laughing too hard at your Mango Mumbles...

Happy weekend!
Koda (Team Dexter)

Lorenza said...

Hi, Mango!
I agree with our friends!
Dexter needs to do the cleanning thing while you and your momma spend a nice time together!
Happy Saturday!
Kisses and hugs

Unknown said...

The solution is quite clear. There is no transfer of energy required. Ummm just have peewee wear his sports bra and attach a wagon for you and momma. Peewee and chug you two thru the streets of Framingham.

Oh.. wake me up when you finish your recall... snooze city

Anonymous said...

And um, the couch is not facing the TV... HELLLLOOO? your momma is daft. and they say Mastifs aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer...

that recall rocked!

Marvin -The Hollow Hound said...

Your Mama and my Jeannie must be from the same steam ship.

We have the Dyson Fest and the furniture moving around fest almost every time she dysons up the fur for the new puppy she is threatening to weave from my beauteous discarded fur.

And after she has moved it all around, and discovered some horrific forgotten item which has also grown a fur coat where the sofa was, it all gets moved right back to the same place it was before.

There is no accounting for humans.

Can I get some of those x-ray specs?

You look really cool in them!

Lotsalicks, Marv xxxxxx

Amber and Nala said...

Hehehe...ah, Mango, I can hardly believe Dexter got to go for walkies and you didn't!! I hope you come up with a plan to de-steam the little guy. ;)


ocmist said...

Hey, if you ever figure out that transfer thing, let me know cause Grammy could use some and the pups have got an over abundance, too! Every time Grammy sits down, Pippin and Mercy run laps around her neck and shoulders. Makes me tired just to watch them in all this heat!

Achieve1dream said...

Poor Mango! I hope someone can help you with your delicate procedure so you can get some momma time. It would take too much energy to act like Peewee which would drive Mango Momma to take you for a walk instead! You have a lot more weight to throw around after all.