Monday, February 6, 2012

Dexter the Wonder Dog - Lerts


What are they? Should one strive to be one? It sets a mind to wondering.

While there are many nicknames that I have had to learn in regards to my labraself, none is so confounding as the moniker of "lert."

For once, the Internet has let me down. A quick google search yielded dismal results as in

LERT = Leicester Environmental Road Tolling Scheme or Laboratoire d'Etudes et de Recherches Télédétection Spatiale

Or in the Urban Dictionary; "a small furry woodland creature that senses are always very intensely attuned to its surroundings."

I don't put much credence in that one as any site which combines the term "dictionary" and grammatically incorrect sentences is hardly credible.

And so I set about discerning the true meaning of the word "lert" based on context. A task not unknown to yours truly as so many of the human utterances are context dependent as with the oft heard "Dexter, you are a bad, bad dog" which is frequently accompanied by affectionate bottom smacks or belly rubs.

But this particular word posed a problem since the application appears to be somewhat whimsical.

To whit, the Relentlessly Huge.

When he summons the energy to break his perpetual torpitude by actually lifting his head, one can hear momma exclaim "Oh, Mango is a lert today!"


And yet a similarly dreamy, half awake state does not garner analogous exclamations regarding my labraself.


Are you confused yet? I asked momma to clarify a photo from the archives. To whit the following, where, once again, the RH was labeled "lert" whilst I was a "wake." There's something I will ponder at a later date as one word a day is plenty.


As usual, when applied to Dexter, the word morphs into a version that smacks of a patronizing reference to my sturdy, yet diminutive stature. Yes, friends, while the RH is apparently a full blown lert on many an occasion, I have been relegated to "lerting"

The term is applied at the moment when I am attempting to focus on a potential threat to life and limb and I do not appreciate the distraction to my guard dog duties.

And, it is frequently not stated as a declarative, but, rather, as a query as if Momma herself is unclear of the true definition.

"Dexter. Why are you a lerting?"


Why indeed?

Here, I am waiting for Master to shake a leg and exit the garage with his bag of goodies from Trader Joe's. Is that what lerts do? Wait for noms?


One can suss out that lerts are a cautious lot as in the sentence (spoken with alarm and dismay) "If I were a lert I wouldn't have stepped in that poo!"

No photo on that one, my friends. Let's just say that in some circumstances the state of being a lert appears preferably to being my heavy footed momma who can count on her shoes to locate poo in the yard with alarming accuracy.

Confounded beyond belief, I offered this photo as one last attempt at clarity from the dotty old hen.

"Are there any lerts depicted here?" I asked.


Her reply? "Awwww, look at my two handsome boys." Hardly flattering to have one's exceptional labralooks bucketed with that 204 pound door stop and certainly not at all enlightening.

Dexter done!


Bella Roxy & Macdui said...

Reminds us of graffiti: Be Alert, we need more lerts.

XXXOOO Daisy, Bella & Roxy

Kristina Zambrano said...

now i am totally confuse i don't even have the idea that the word lerts existed at all ... i though your momma was writing lerts for short of alerts ... oh well a photographer brain just thinks with the right side of the brain so .... me got more fuse (short for confuse) LoL than before the knowledge of the existence of this word ... your momma's so wise xD

Declan said...

Well as Lord Kitchener once said. "Be a Lert. Your Country Needs Lerts" Ok, I might be paraphrasing slightly... Deccy x

H and Flo said...

Grrrr. Two people have already stolen my exceptionally witty comment about being a lert. Bah.

Sometimes you can wonder too much Dexter. You need to dedicate more time to thinking about food lest you should waste away.

Cowspotdog said...

Pppppssssst Dexter. Come over here so your Momma can't here. You need to go to and order a book for her. It's called the "Idiots Guide to a-lerting"

Matilda the Boxer said...

What a puzzle! I hope you figure it out soon.

Sewmouse said...

Mr. Dexter:

It appears from your investigatory report that "lert" may be a subjective thing, much like size.

For instance, Compared to the RH, you are "pee wee" - but compared to someone like Frankie Furter, you would be... relentlessly huge.

So, perhaps "Lert-ness" is the opposite of size, since Mango is "lert" when he just lifts his head, but you have to put your entire body and soul into being a "lert" in order for it to be recognized as such.

Kili. The cat.

Scooter said...

Hey Dexter!
Wow, that's really confusing. I have no clue what a lert is...I don't seem to ever be called that. Hmmm. I'm still trying to figure out what a "buttwipe" is because I get called that ALL THE TIME!!!
Grr and Woof,
Sarge, COP

CreekHiker / HollysFolly said...

Scotsmad beat me to it. I had that sign on my wall for YEARS. It always cracked me up.

Dex, no worries... I'm sure you are a lert!!!

Frankie Furter and Ernie said...

LERT?? I have no clue butt I will stay vigilant .. in case one comes crawlin up my hill.

Corbin said...

You, my labrafuriend, have stumbled upon a doozy!

Moose said...

Hmmm... that is a puzzler and I am afraid I can't help you buddy. Momma never calls me a Lert so no idea what it means. Sometimes she calls my paws a Kimbo whatever that means...

Pippen said...

Dexter... we think your mentals need a rest. Go and lay down for awhile.

Sam and Pippen

Jed and Abby in MerryLand said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Two French Bulldogs said...

Yes we are confused. Something about lert or lerting or searching or something
Benny & Lily

The Thuglets said...

We have never been sure what a lert is! LOL

Big Nose Pokes
The Thugletsx

Jed and Abby in MerryLand said...

Good clerical help is hard to find. Mama did not type what we said and she hit the post button before Jed could stop her. So let's try again -

We love it when Dexter waxes philosophical. We think Kili the Kitteh is on to something; in life, most things are relative. Dex has to work much harder to get credit for being a lert than the Mango does, which is not fair. Sort of like a woman has to work a lot harder to get credit in some jobs than a man does. Hence the popularity of the idea of justice in the after life.

That said, we're not sure what a lert is, either. We get mixed signals from mama because when we are a lert, we bark. Sometimes mama praises us for being a lert and sometimes - usually late at night - she scolds us. Humans are a constant puzzlement.

Jed & Abby

Marjie said...

If Momma said you are a Lert all the time, you'd be too big for your britches, young fella. Be happy to be a dog for all occasions, whether Lerting or Waking or whatnot.

And you are two handsome boys. Momma is right.

Ziggy Stardust said...

I am confounded and bewildered by this post. I have much to learn apparently. Thank you Dexter and keep the lessons coming please.

licks and sniffs Sasha

p.s. Mommy is still laughing about you calling Mango a door stop(snickers)

Smile With Your Tail said...

What a big conundrum, I hope you figure this out soon!


Anonymous said...

Oh Dex, this has to be my favorite post EVER. I have no words. you left me speechless. you had me at "doorstop." no wait. you had me at "lert," then "doorstop."

Please come visit us in CH. there two kinds of dogs here: a lert and a lerting. Maybe we could help clear it up?

houndstooth said...

I'm with Mrs. Wild Dingo! I adore all of your posts, but this one is truly one of my favorites! I think Morgan might need to put her head together with yours to figure out this enigma of the lert. I've heard her called a lert and a lerting on different occasions, but it often seems to make the humans rather cross when the word comes up. I would love to see the Dexter Done version of the Dictionary -- I have a feeling a lot of humans and dogs would read it!


Ms. ~K said...

This is too funny!!! How does MangoMom do it time and time again?

STELLA and RORY from Down Under said...

Hi Dexter, we don't know what a Lert or Lerting are. Mum says the only time we are a Lert is when she is filling the food bowls. We hope you get to be a Lert soon. No worries, and love, Stella and Rory

The Black and Tans. said...

It was the 204 pound door stop that cracked us up. Sorry Mango but the photo was just brilliant.
Dexter we hope you have a good Lert day.

Chester said...

I'm with houndstooth - you need to come up with your own labra-dictionary. Mebbee if'n we knew what the humans were talkin' about we'd listen to 'em.


Woofs and notty slobbers,
Chester ;0=)

Sally Ann and Andy said...

I think your perpensity to study words is great. I wish my little brother was as verbose as you were. I think being a "lert" is a good thing. Go lerts
Sally Ann

A Wonderful Dogs Life said...

Wow, Dexter your brain must work nonstop to come up with such complicated ponderings. Now that you mention it there are some words I should maybe get clarified. Like why does Dad call me a goat? Do I look like a goat or sound like a goat?

Sounds like your Mom and my Mom buy the same brand of poo attracting shoes ;)


monica said...

deep thoughts Dex... must be a lert, or else they will put much too extra weight on your dark and muscular labra shoulders.. your momma is right about one ting though:both yourself and the RH are irresistable, no matter what state of mind...

Anonymous said...

Have to agree with previous comments... this one is a gem!

Tank's Asst. (you had me at torpitude:)

Lucy-Fur, as typed by Dr. Liz said...

We don't know what a lert it, but a wake is something where people drink and talk about dead people. Although we're a little unclear as to how that applies to you. 204 lbs, huh? That diet must be working - sounds like the RH is wasting away!

*kissey face*
-Fiona and Abby the Hippobottomus

Bassetmomma said...

Lert? Mind boggling! Hope you solve your mystery! LOL

Declan said...

Your post has been shortlisted for February's Deccy's Excellent Blog Award!

rottrover said...

Right now we are both ass leap.

This is a wonderful post, Dex. We just came over from Deccy's.

Hope you're enjoying your break!

-Bart and Ruby