Me: Momma, I saw something called "Mango Extract" on the internets. Can you explain that?
Evil Witch: Well, Mango, I think it is from Mango fruit that grows on Mango trees.
Me: There is on such thing.
Evil Witch: Besides, it says on the bottle it is from Africa and you don't live in Africa.
Me: I went there once. Remember?
Evil Witch: Yes, I remember. So what do you think it is in those bottles?
Me: I think that somebody is stealing my precious bodily fluids and selling them.
Evil Witch: Which bodily fluids might they be?
Me: Any number of things. The Mango excretes many substances of varying viscosity such as pee, poop, slobbers, ear goobers, and sometimes even the hurka hurka.
Evil Witch: Hmmmm.....
Me: Or maybe it's my blood that the vampire vet takes sometimes. There is a big market out there for bits of The Mango.
Evil Witch: You know, Mango, there is another bodily fluid that comes out of you.
Me: Do tell.
Evil Witch: Your semen.
Me: Sea men? Did you say Mango Sea men? WTF? I do not have sailors inside of me.
Evil Witch: No, not sea men. Semen. Like what comes out of you sometimes when you have an exciting dream during your meditations.
Me: You mean like when I had that nautical nightmare and I woke up and thought I had peed out of terror?
Evil Witch: Yes, like that. You weren't afraid, you were excited.
Me: I was afraid.
Evil Witch: Let's try this. You know how sometimes we go to the vet and some of the lady dogs smell really good and make you howl and do your happy dance?
Me: Hot bitches.
Evil Witch: Exactly. There are some dogs like your brother Floyd who actually do the happy dance with those, um, heated up gals.
Ch. Eastwinds Comfortably Numb "Floyd"
Me: Why are you showing a picture of my mastiff brother? I am better looking than him.
Evil Witch: Yes you are.
Me: I want to do the happy dance.
Evil Witch: You can't. We've been through that. You were a big dope in the show ring.
Me: No I wasn't. I just didn't want some strange dude feeling my Mango-ness. Can you believe Floyd named his son Mongo? I think he was disrespecting me.
Evil Witch: Whatever. Listen. When a dog like Floyd does the happy dance with a lady dog she gets puppies in her belly. You've seen some lady dogs with puppies at the vet.
Me: That's preposterous. There aren't puppies in there. Those gals are just FAT! Like this moo cow! Hello? Jenny Craig emergency! Some doggie needs an intervention.
Evil Witch: She is not fat. She is full of puppies.
Me: I'll play along. "Puppies" is code for "fat." So I'm guessing next you'll say you have puppies in your ass and that's why you keep buying bigger pants.
Evil Witch: You're getting off topic.
Me: The Mango doesn't have any "puppies" in his ass thanks to the starvation diet I am on. Still doesn't explain why you think there are sailors inside of me and how they get out.
Evil Witch: Sometimes they are extracted manually.
Me: See? That's why my brother Floyd is an idiot. He needs a manual to know how to woo the bitches.
Evil Witch: Extracted manually by the vet. Look, I'll show you a movie, OK? But tell your friends that some of them might not want to watch. I will even put it in red letters. The following movie might not be suitable for all viewers, but watch it here if you want.
Me: WTF was THAT?
I feel dizzy.
Do you think I could get an appointment with that vet?
Evil Witch: After the semen is collected it is frozen and used later for artificial insemination.
Me: Are you on crack or something? What does freezing sailors and sending them to this Art Official to use for nefarious purposes in a place called Sum Nation have to do with Mango extracts?
Evil Witch: Sigh. You're right. I made it up.
Me: Thought so.
Mango Man! Oh yeah!